WHY oh why

So why is it that when you have something important coming up that that is when one of the kids will decide to cut their hair?


I had to take her to get it fixed, of course there wasn't anything that could be done for the lack of bangs.

We still had a fun and busy weekend though. With Kayly's birthday party,(yes I know her birthday is in June).I didn't want to have her party to close to my due date nor did I want it to wait until after he was born. So that is why we had it almost a month early.



With having "big families " it doesn't take many other friends to make for a big party. ;) Most of the guest were cousins, but it still was a lot of kids and I'm actually glad that more other friends weren't there. It was crazy enough.

Then after her party we had to hurry home so that we could all change our clothes and I could do her hair for her baptism. Her baptism was very nice and we had a few nonmembers that were there also. She was baptized by her primary teacher and confirmed by her uncle.

She looked truly happy to now be baptized. She has been waiting for almost a year now. She had been waiting for her dad, but I know that it was still ok to have him give the talk on baptism and have Bro. Thompkin baptize her.

Getting ready for Kayly's baptism

Yesterday I took Kayly to the park and took pictures of her in her baptism dress. Today she will be talking to the Bishop and hopefully we will be able to have her baptism on May 9th. I want to make invitations that she can send to family that lives out of state. It will have her pictures on it so that even though they can't be here they can see what she looks like in her dress. I will also make a few that she can give to her friends at school.
It was fun to be able to spend time with just her and get some great photos of her. I really liked this first one of her in the water. It just captures joy.





I love this picture of her just looking at the flowers and reflecting. I think that yesterday was really good for her self-esteem. People kept walking by and saying how pretty she looked. She says that kids at school are always putting down for how she looks.




This picture I took some of the blossoms off the tree she was sitting under and sprinkled them on her. I thought that it added a nice touch.


I love this picture because it just shows an innocence about her. You can also see all the great details of her dress.

A sea of mixed emotions.

I had my u/s on Wed and my doctor says that Seth is bigger than the national average. I've never been told that my kids were bigger than average.:) So he has schedualed me for a c-section on June 4th unless I go into labor on my own before then.
On the one had it will be good because James will be able to schedule his time off. He will be able to make sure he is there. But on the other hand it really stinks. I will have to go through a major surgery again and he is only going to be able to take the weekend off. So by the time I'm out of the hospital he will be going back on the road and I'll have five kids to take care of on top of trying to recover from surgery. My in-laws are going to stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital, but I'm pretty sure that they will be going home soon after I get home.My mom might be willing to help out or I might be able to get my niece to come stay at my house for a while. But it isn't going to be the same as having James here to help.
He doesn't understand why it has brought me to tears. But it is giving up my dream of being able to have a VBAC. It is the reality that I'll be having yet another c-section. It is the feeling like my body has betrayed me in some way because I've never had to deal with GD or water retention and I am with this pregnancy. It is knowing that this will be the last time that I'll be pregnant.It is feeling a little empty knowing that I'll never get to feel the baby inside again. James doesn't understand that just because I say it makes me sad to know that Seth will be our last means that I have changed my mind with the decision we have already made. It just is sad to think that this is it. I am very grateful for the children that we do have. I know that all of them have been miracles. It is a blessing to have them, when I was told that I would never be able to have kids. But, it is still hard to know that I won't be having any more. I know that with how many problems I've had with all my pregnancies that it wouldn't be a wise choice to have anymore. I also know that for me I'm felling like I'm getting to old to have any more but all of that doesn't change the feelings of loss.
I am so happy that we have been able to have these five beautiful children in our family. I love each of them and their different personalities. I know that the Lord has truly blessed us.
I'm sorry that my Blog isn't as upbeat as other peoples. This is a place that I can express myself with out it being in a journal that will be passed down to my family. Most of my family know that I have a Blog, but have never read it. So I can get all my feelings out with out having it be that they are going to see it.

Oh the stress!

I can't beleive that I'm having to deal with all this right now. First I fail my three hour gloucose test and have to test my blood sugar four times a day. Even though my numbers have been in the normal range. Then I'm told that I have to take this two hour class. I couldn't get there when they wanted because I have kids that have to be taken care of first. So they only let me do the second hour and said I have to make up the first hour. Then they want me to do a fallow up with bringing a food journal, so they can see what I eat and what my blood sugar has been.
Then I end up going into town a total of three times yesterday for different things. Which means I'm using all my gas.
Then I find out that James was beat by two young guys and his head is still bleeding. I don't know the extent of all his injuries because he won't go to the hospital. I can't believe that people would do something like this. I worry when he is gone normally, now I can hardly sleep thinking about the fact that because someone didn't want to be slowed down in traffic that he could have lost his life. I can't believe that with all these other people around that there wasn't any one that would help.
I know that I need to try and not get stressed by it because of the health of my baby. I just don't know how to not get upset by what happened to my husband. I love him with all my heart and don't know what I would do with out him.

It's a Boy!

I had my ultra sound on Wed. and we found out that we are having another boy. It will be nice for Teancum to have a little brother. James is so excited to be having a boy. Not that he doesn't like little girls, just wanted another boy in the family.We are naming him Seth Glenn. James is the one that picked out the name. He wanted to honor my dad even though he never got to know him.
I'm so glad that I have a doctor that is willing to let me try for a VBAC. I don't want to have another c-section if it can be avoided. I will do what is best for me and the baby though. My doctor said that since I've had three vaginal deliveries already that he doesn't think there should be any problems with me having another.
He also said that right now my body isn't showing any signs of going into preterm labor. So right now everything is going well with this pregnancy. It is nice to not have anything major going on right now. I started taking prenatal yoga to help my body to be able to have a smooth delivery.
James is planning on getting his own truck and becoming an owner operator again. He'll do that while I go back to school to become an RN. Then after I start working he will start taking classes to become an RN also. He'll still be driving for at least 5 more years, but we will be putting money away and paying things off.

Snow Days

I'm ready for the weather to warm up so that I can get outside and go for walks. I know that I can go for walks when it is cold, but I'm affraid that I would slip on the ice and start having more contractions and other problems with my pregnancy.
I want the kids to be back in school so that I would have time to just rest during the afternoon. With them all being home I can't really take a nap. They like school and it is hard for them to find things to do around the house that they don't end up fighting about.
My mother-in-law keeps saying that she can't see me as an RN. She had been an LPN. I know that I have the ability to do this. She doesn't think that I would be strong enough to do heavy lifting. I told her that not all nurses have to do heavy lifting that it depends on where you work and what field that you go into. I'm leaning towards pediatric or labor and delivery.

Family Time

It was nice having my older sister here for a week. I took her out to Lambert's for lunch one day and to a BBQ place another. I couldn't really visit with her at Jacki's house because the kids were competing for her time and she would go in Jacki's room with her and I didn't feel like trying to get my time in there.
Abigail was blessed Sunday. She wore a dress that my sister, Krista, had knitted. They took the dress off before I could get any pictures of her though.
Krista ended up getting stuck in Portland Wed. night. Her flight was canceled because of the fog in Medford. She didn't get home until Thurs. night.

Tis the season

So, just like every year since the twins were born at least one kid has been sick through out the week. It usually ends up that one or all are sick on our anniversary, since it is the day after Christmas. I'm hoping that with them being sick now that it will all be out of their system.
My sister goes in to be induced tomorrow morning. This will be their seventh girl. She was scheduled to be induced on Fri, but her husband wouldn't have gotten home until that afternoon and was afraid he would miss the delivery.
He is EQ Pres, and just doesn't like to do anything that would be manual labor. He doesn't really like my kids, so I try not to be around them much. Pretty sad since I've known him most of my life and know how his parents were.
James keeps telling me to not let it get to me because I don't need the extra stress while I'm pregnant. But I feel that both my sister and her husband don't think that I have any business being pregnant. They act like I'm not pregnant and should be able to do all this heavy work. My sister really hurt me and I don't think she even gave it a second thought. We had been talking and she made the comment that we can't say that we weren't trying to get pregnant because we were bragging about it. Well first of all, we didn't brag that we were trying. Second, we thought we me having the PCOS and the fact that my periods were back to being speratic that I couldn't get pregnant. That was probably almost two months ago that she said that. Then about two weeks ago she was saying how she has big babies, and I said yes and I have runts. She said," no you have half a baby." That was such a hurtful thing to say. My babies may not weigh 8-9lbs like hers do, but they are fully developed with two arms, two legs and all their fingers and toes.
I have to get this out here, because I just don't feel that me saying anything to her would help. She has gotten to be such a careless person towards her family(I'm talking not her kids). She makes comments towards me that she wouldn't even think of saying to someone else. She acts like they are better than us and it just makes my heart ache.

Being pregnant and sick

I've been sick all weekend. My mother-in-law came over with a cold and now I have a cold also. I've been coughing, sneezing and throwing up. I've been so tired and James was home this weekend so I didn't get much sleep. We stayed up late playing games with his parents. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I've been having a lot of cramping and pain. Tim and Kathy are staying all week to help out with the kids, wich is good since Kayly and Teancum are both staying home sick today. Jacki is being induced on Fri and so mom will be watching her kids and I was tring to figure out what I was going to do with my kids. So I'm glad that Kathy will be here so that I can still go to work. Lambert's was closed yesterday because of the weather.

The reality of it all

James is still tring to let it sink in and it is hard for him. He thought since it had been so long that we were not going to have any more kids. He asked me last night if I thought there was a possibility that we could be having twins again. I just reminded him of the dream that I had had several months ago. He said he had forgot about my dream. I had dremed that I had two boys. So he is freaked out right now. I kept waking up about every hour because of thinking about how we are going to pay for the baby, not having a car that has enough seats for extras, not having more rooms, not knowing if we are going to be able to keep the house, not knowing how long it will be for us to be able to go to the temple. Not having a clue as to what doctor I should go to. I'm thinking the doctor my sister is seeing might be a good choice. Also thinking about the fact that I might not have the choice to try and have a VBAC. It is such a hard thing to have all these worries that come along with the joy of being blessed to bring another of God's special spirits into our family. I know that he is mindful of our needs and that we will get through all of this. I just wish that I didn't feel like even people at church are going to look at me and think that I shouldn't be having more kids. There are a lot of people, even in our ward, that think two is more than enough kids. I don't want to tell anyone at work until I "have" to just because I'm tired of people saying,"wow four kids, I hope you are done." It is sad how Satan has made people think that anyone that would want to have kids is insane. I love all of my kids and I'm proud of all the work they do at school.

Family support

Last Monday since James was home we went to watch our niece cheer at their last home game. Their school doesn't have football, it is a small school. It was a basket ball game. I told our kids that was what we were doing for FHE to show Bekah support. It was fun being there as a family and watching her cheer. James started his new job two weeks ago this coming Monday and has been home three times already. It is nice that he has been able to come through the house that much. Kyrstyn is having the hardest time with him being back on the road. She cries for him at least once a day. I'm changing my work schedual. I'll be working Mon-Fri 10-2. It will be a lot better for us. I'll still be getting the same hours, but I'll be home before the kids get home from school and I'll only have to have someone watch the twins for a couple hours a day. I'll also have the weekends off and James is working on being off every weekend also, so then we can do things as a family.

Getting through the tough times.

We have been trying to find a better paying job, but it is hard with the ecconomy how it is. James wants to go back on the road because he thinks that will solve everything. It might make it so that finacially we are doing better, but that does nothing for getting us to the temple or getting his blessings restored. I don't know what it is with him, his willing ness to show love is a dependent on him being able to make more money and save our house. He doesn't want to be intamete because he feels like a failure. It makes me feel like I'm undesireable. I keep tring to get him to show affection and he just hides out in his computer game. He thinks that choosing to get off the road would make everything just fall into place quickly. I know that things are going to be tough right now. I know that if we keep doing the things that the Lord has told us to do that we will be a stronger family and be able to go to the temple. It is just hard to keep tring to get him to see it. I hope that we are able to find a better paying job and a place that we can afford.

Trials of our Faith

It has been a real challenge since James decided to get off the road. We are both working, but not making even half what he was making. So we are now looking for a place to rent. We haven't been able to pay our mortgage for three months now and are just getting deeper and deeper in the hole. When James was rebaptized he was counseled not to go back on the road because of all the temptations there are. He was already driving though and we couldn't see any way of making it with out him driving over the road. So now that he has made the decision to stay off the road and work where he can go to church it is hitting us hard. But I know that we will be blessed by fallowing the counsel of the bishop. We have looked at a few places and are going to look at one today that is 4/2 and only $650/month. I'm hoping that we can get into it. It is only a few houses from my sister, it is half the cost that we have now. It has a huge yard, it will still be in the same ward. It also looks bigger than our place now. It will allow our dog also. James is still trying to get a better paying job and that will help us to pay things off. If we get this place I could also drive for the school out there. I think that it will work out that I can drive and still work at Lambert's. I might also try changing to working days at Lambert's to get more hours and just have my SIL watch the twins for a few hours during the day before they go to school. I haven't got it all worked out in my head as to what will be the best option. I just know that James going back over the road isn't an option for our family. He told the Bishop the other night that when he was on the road he felt spiritually dead. That isn't good for someone that is wanting to get his blessings restored. So I'll do what ever it takes to make sure that we continue to grow. We have been doing family prayer morning and night, couples prayer, scripture study as a family and FHE. So I do know that the more we do the right things the harder we will be tested.

My deepest sorrow

My heart aches for my brother-in-law. We all felt that his wife was going to go back to her mom and never come back. But when it actually happened it just hit me because it is so much like what James went through with his ex. I feel so bad for Mikel because in all actualality he may not see his kids again. Rachel has lied about things their whole marriage. She has only gone to church a handful of times since moving out here last Aug. She hasn't tried to make friends here or even tried to become closer to family here. She has never been able to not be with her mom telling her what she needs to do. I'm not saying that Mike isn't to blame also, he didn't want to face what was going on. Before she even moved out here she was doing things that indicated that she was never going to move here. He moved here and got a job and house for them. She took another eight months to come out. She would say that she was going to be here by such and such a date. It would come and go and she would still be with her mom. She would have him send her money for "the move" and then not have money to get here. She started doing that again here. She has been in charge of the money and hasn't been paying the bills. He just kept saying that she was doing a great job. He didn't want to face the fact that she was spending money on thing that he had no idea where it was going.
The reason I say that it feels just like what James went through is that like with James, Rachels parents are putting all the money into it. So it will be hard for Mike to get what he should because he doesn't make the money that his FIL does. I really hope that Rachel isn't like Lynnette and that she will allow Mike to see his kids.

Tiny wonders of nature

I'm so glad that I'm able to view the wonders of nature from my kitchen window. It is great being able to watch the baby cardinal hatch and grow. It makes my kids more aware of the blessings that the Lord has given us. It warms my heart to see this tiny baby grow right before my eyes. To watch the daddy come to the nest with good food to give the mama and baby it just is so calming.

I love being out in my yard pulling weeds and watching this family interact with one another.

Gardening

Yesterday my sister and I started our garden boxes. We have added mulch and will be adding manure then the seeds. We did three loads of mulch in the back of my van. We have three boxes made and started making a fourth. We are planning on planting corn, squash,beans, potatoes, tomatoes, strawberries, peppers, onion and melon.
This is the first time either of us have done a garden. I've very excited to be doing this with her.
We are doing it all at her house since she has the room for it and I don't. Our kids love going to get the wood and mulch. They are excited to see what we plant. I'm hoping that with them helping choose what goes into the garden that they will be more likely to eat the vegetables.

I can't believe that I fell down the stairs last night. My ankle is so sore that I can hardly stand to put my weight on it. I'm just glad that I fell backwards and didn't land on Zena. My hip hurts, my whole right side aches. I have to much to do to be laid up. I have to go to town to get James' check, I have two very active little girls and a puppy.
My neck is sore and I just want to crawl back in bed.

Teancum's Christmas Concert

Here is a video clip from Teancum's Christmas concert on Tuesday.
I don't know how to add the video like Libby and others do, so I hope this works.
It was cute watching all the kindergartens. Teancum kept making comments, like;"We're going to be awesome mom." Or,"We are going to sound like chipmunks."
I'm glad that he loves music. He really is a great kid most days.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkxoS6w0LkE

I can do it!

I'm so proud of myself. I got up early Thanksgiving morning and jogged 5k. I did it in 35min. Tuesday I did it again in 33min. I don't get to jog much with James being gone all the time. So it was nice to not have to go slow for kids. I was back home and showered before the kids were even awake. Tuesday I waited until the three that had school were gone and then had my FIL watch Lyberty so that I could jog. My sister and James both called while I was jogging so I had to walk for a bit to talk, but other than that I jogged.

What is going on with ME???

I don't know what it is, I still haven't started my period. I don't want to waste money that we don't have, just to have another negative pregnancy test. I am really feeling like I need a good cry, but then I also feel that I shouldn't be letting myself get upset about something as trivial as this. I know that I haven't had the pain of losing a baby or miscarriage. But it still hurts me to think that I CAN'T have any more kids.
I feel like I'm suppose to be someone who can do all these things, and yet I'm failing major. I'm in this spiral and don't know what to do. It just feels like it really doesn't matter what I do because I will not measure up to other's expectations. I try so hard to do everything that I'm "suppose" to do.
I can't really talk to James about it, because he thinks that I shouldn't be thinking about another baby, even though he would also like another, he just doesn't think that it will ever happen. He also doesn't think it matters how much we try because he doesn't feel like we will ever be able to so to the temple as a family to be sealed. It scares me so much to think of something happening to any of us and not being sealed to each other. I know that if something happened the work could still be done, but I just don't know who would do it or when it would be done.
I know that this is a bunch of different thoughts all thrown together, but for me they all are weighing heavily on my mind right now.