Being pregnant and sick

I've been sick all weekend. My mother-in-law came over with a cold and now I have a cold also. I've been coughing, sneezing and throwing up. I've been so tired and James was home this weekend so I didn't get much sleep. We stayed up late playing games with his parents. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I've been having a lot of cramping and pain. Tim and Kathy are staying all week to help out with the kids, wich is good since Kayly and Teancum are both staying home sick today. Jacki is being induced on Fri and so mom will be watching her kids and I was tring to figure out what I was going to do with my kids. So I'm glad that Kathy will be here so that I can still go to work. Lambert's was closed yesterday because of the weather.

The reality of it all

James is still tring to let it sink in and it is hard for him. He thought since it had been so long that we were not going to have any more kids. He asked me last night if I thought there was a possibility that we could be having twins again. I just reminded him of the dream that I had had several months ago. He said he had forgot about my dream. I had dremed that I had two boys. So he is freaked out right now. I kept waking up about every hour because of thinking about how we are going to pay for the baby, not having a car that has enough seats for extras, not having more rooms, not knowing if we are going to be able to keep the house, not knowing how long it will be for us to be able to go to the temple. Not having a clue as to what doctor I should go to. I'm thinking the doctor my sister is seeing might be a good choice. Also thinking about the fact that I might not have the choice to try and have a VBAC. It is such a hard thing to have all these worries that come along with the joy of being blessed to bring another of God's special spirits into our family. I know that he is mindful of our needs and that we will get through all of this. I just wish that I didn't feel like even people at church are going to look at me and think that I shouldn't be having more kids. There are a lot of people, even in our ward, that think two is more than enough kids. I don't want to tell anyone at work until I "have" to just because I'm tired of people saying,"wow four kids, I hope you are done." It is sad how Satan has made people think that anyone that would want to have kids is insane. I love all of my kids and I'm proud of all the work they do at school.

Family support

Last Monday since James was home we went to watch our niece cheer at their last home game. Their school doesn't have football, it is a small school. It was a basket ball game. I told our kids that was what we were doing for FHE to show Bekah support. It was fun being there as a family and watching her cheer. James started his new job two weeks ago this coming Monday and has been home three times already. It is nice that he has been able to come through the house that much. Kyrstyn is having the hardest time with him being back on the road. She cries for him at least once a day. I'm changing my work schedual. I'll be working Mon-Fri 10-2. It will be a lot better for us. I'll still be getting the same hours, but I'll be home before the kids get home from school and I'll only have to have someone watch the twins for a couple hours a day. I'll also have the weekends off and James is working on being off every weekend also, so then we can do things as a family.

Getting through the tough times.

We have been trying to find a better paying job, but it is hard with the ecconomy how it is. James wants to go back on the road because he thinks that will solve everything. It might make it so that finacially we are doing better, but that does nothing for getting us to the temple or getting his blessings restored. I don't know what it is with him, his willing ness to show love is a dependent on him being able to make more money and save our house. He doesn't want to be intamete because he feels like a failure. It makes me feel like I'm undesireable. I keep tring to get him to show affection and he just hides out in his computer game. He thinks that choosing to get off the road would make everything just fall into place quickly. I know that things are going to be tough right now. I know that if we keep doing the things that the Lord has told us to do that we will be a stronger family and be able to go to the temple. It is just hard to keep tring to get him to see it. I hope that we are able to find a better paying job and a place that we can afford.

Trials of our Faith

It has been a real challenge since James decided to get off the road. We are both working, but not making even half what he was making. So we are now looking for a place to rent. We haven't been able to pay our mortgage for three months now and are just getting deeper and deeper in the hole. When James was rebaptized he was counseled not to go back on the road because of all the temptations there are. He was already driving though and we couldn't see any way of making it with out him driving over the road. So now that he has made the decision to stay off the road and work where he can go to church it is hitting us hard. But I know that we will be blessed by fallowing the counsel of the bishop. We have looked at a few places and are going to look at one today that is 4/2 and only $650/month. I'm hoping that we can get into it. It is only a few houses from my sister, it is half the cost that we have now. It has a huge yard, it will still be in the same ward. It also looks bigger than our place now. It will allow our dog also. James is still trying to get a better paying job and that will help us to pay things off. If we get this place I could also drive for the school out there. I think that it will work out that I can drive and still work at Lambert's. I might also try changing to working days at Lambert's to get more hours and just have my SIL watch the twins for a few hours during the day before they go to school. I haven't got it all worked out in my head as to what will be the best option. I just know that James going back over the road isn't an option for our family. He told the Bishop the other night that when he was on the road he felt spiritually dead. That isn't good for someone that is wanting to get his blessings restored. So I'll do what ever it takes to make sure that we continue to grow. We have been doing family prayer morning and night, couples prayer, scripture study as a family and FHE. So I do know that the more we do the right things the harder we will be tested.

My deepest sorrow

My heart aches for my brother-in-law. We all felt that his wife was going to go back to her mom and never come back. But when it actually happened it just hit me because it is so much like what James went through with his ex. I feel so bad for Mikel because in all actualality he may not see his kids again. Rachel has lied about things their whole marriage. She has only gone to church a handful of times since moving out here last Aug. She hasn't tried to make friends here or even tried to become closer to family here. She has never been able to not be with her mom telling her what she needs to do. I'm not saying that Mike isn't to blame also, he didn't want to face what was going on. Before she even moved out here she was doing things that indicated that she was never going to move here. He moved here and got a job and house for them. She took another eight months to come out. She would say that she was going to be here by such and such a date. It would come and go and she would still be with her mom. She would have him send her money for "the move" and then not have money to get here. She started doing that again here. She has been in charge of the money and hasn't been paying the bills. He just kept saying that she was doing a great job. He didn't want to face the fact that she was spending money on thing that he had no idea where it was going.
The reason I say that it feels just like what James went through is that like with James, Rachels parents are putting all the money into it. So it will be hard for Mike to get what he should because he doesn't make the money that his FIL does. I really hope that Rachel isn't like Lynnette and that she will allow Mike to see his kids.

Tiny wonders of nature

I'm so glad that I'm able to view the wonders of nature from my kitchen window. It is great being able to watch the baby cardinal hatch and grow. It makes my kids more aware of the blessings that the Lord has given us. It warms my heart to see this tiny baby grow right before my eyes. To watch the daddy come to the nest with good food to give the mama and baby it just is so calming.

I love being out in my yard pulling weeds and watching this family interact with one another.