What is going on with ME???

I don't know what it is, I still haven't started my period. I don't want to waste money that we don't have, just to have another negative pregnancy test. I am really feeling like I need a good cry, but then I also feel that I shouldn't be letting myself get upset about something as trivial as this. I know that I haven't had the pain of losing a baby or miscarriage. But it still hurts me to think that I CAN'T have any more kids.
I feel like I'm suppose to be someone who can do all these things, and yet I'm failing major. I'm in this spiral and don't know what to do. It just feels like it really doesn't matter what I do because I will not measure up to other's expectations. I try so hard to do everything that I'm "suppose" to do.
I can't really talk to James about it, because he thinks that I shouldn't be thinking about another baby, even though he would also like another, he just doesn't think that it will ever happen. He also doesn't think it matters how much we try because he doesn't feel like we will ever be able to so to the temple as a family to be sealed. It scares me so much to think of something happening to any of us and not being sealed to each other. I know that if something happened the work could still be done, but I just don't know who would do it or when it would be done.
I know that this is a bunch of different thoughts all thrown together, but for me they all are weighing heavily on my mind right now.

GO ME!!!

I am so proud of myself. Last night when we went out to Olive Garden I drank 5-6 glasses of water, so that I wouldn't eat as much. I ate a large salad, and only maybe 1/4 of the main dish.
My scale is still not working, and I haven't bought a new one. So I don't know what I weigh, but my shirts and pants are loose on me now. I think that for me it is better that I don't have a scale right now. I get obsessed with getting on the scale and worrying what I did wrong if it is not going anywhere.
I will buy a new scale in a few weeks after I have really worked hard to just pay attention to what I'm eating and working out.

Trying to be happy!

I woke up early this morning and decided that I needed to get up and work out. I can't expect to loose the weight or get out of this funk if I don't do my part.Normally I would have chose to try to go back to sleep since none of the kids were up. But if I had I knew that they would wake up and then I wouldn't be able to work out since they would either climb on the equipment or want to watch t.v.
My scale decided to start weighing in kilograms or something. It sometimes says that I weigh 35.5 and other times it says I weigh 17. I decided that it is a good thing that it isn't working though. Now I can't get on it every day and see if I've gained or lost weight. I am going to focus on just watching my portions and exercising.

I just want to cry!

I didn't have a period last month, took a test and it came back negative. I want another baby, it isn't that I'm not greatful that Heavenly Father has blessed me with 4 beautiful children. I just feel like we have another, actually two, waiting to join our family. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have another baby and it makes me feel a little empty inside.
I get tired of people that I don't even know seeing me with my 4 kids and saying,"I hope that you are done." You don't know me and as long as I'm taking care of my kids why does it matter to you!
I told James that I want another min pin, I know that the kids really miss Reece, and I think that having another baby around, even if it is a four legged kind that it will help with the void that I feel.

One Crazy Week!

Well between Lyberty having several wet accidents so that I have twice as much laundry to do and them coloring on the walls. I feel like I'm running in circles.
Every time that I feel that I can breath again one of them is making a mess.
I'm so glad that James will be home tomorrow. Maybe between the two of us we can get this house back in order.
I just feel so in adequate some times. It seems like what ever I do it is never enough or good enough. I need to get out and do more, but just don't have the desire right now.
I want to do a nice Ward Halloween Activity, but can't seem to find any one that would help. I feel like the little red hen story. Everyone wants activities, just don't ask for any help putting them together.

I don't like Willie Jean!!!!!

James hasn't been home, or even through the house in over a week. He told Willie Jean(company he drives for) that he needed to get through the house so he could do laundry, get groceries, and see his family.
They told him that they had a load for him that would bring him through the house yesterday. Well he had to go almost 400 miles to pick it up, and he would of had to go about 7hrs. out of his way to get "through the house". I would have ended up costing us what he would make on this load. So he didn't get to come home last night and we don't know when he will be home next! I get so tired of them telling us to "look at the big picture." The big picture is they are home every night with their kids because they work at a desk. They don't have to pay for fuel to dead head to pick up a load, and they get paid for the loads he is taking.
I'm depressed and need my husband home, if only for a night. I can't do this on my own. I need to know that he will be home once in a while. He usually is through Springfield every week. But lately they have been sending him every where but home.
I could never make it as a single parent and applaud those that do. I have to have someone that I can talk to , cry to, and who will help with the kids.

Lyberty Belle

Lyberty's mouth is starting to heal and she is starting to eat more. But last night I guess she must have just ate to much during the day, because she tried to eat dinner and it just hurt her mouth. :(
She is at least drinking pedisure, so that does giver some nutrition. I'm hoping that she will start gaining some weight back. She sleeps a lot, which will be good for her. But it is wearing me out when she wakes up every 2-3 hours in pain. I haven't had much sleep all week.
It hurts me to see her in so much pain and there isn't anything that I can do to take the pain away. She cries and wants her daddy, I think she thinks he would make it better.