Getting ready for Kayly's baptism

Yesterday I took Kayly to the park and took pictures of her in her baptism dress. Today she will be talking to the Bishop and hopefully we will be able to have her baptism on May 9th. I want to make invitations that she can send to family that lives out of state. It will have her pictures on it so that even though they can't be here they can see what she looks like in her dress. I will also make a few that she can give to her friends at school.
It was fun to be able to spend time with just her and get some great photos of her. I really liked this first one of her in the water. It just captures joy.





I love this picture of her just looking at the flowers and reflecting. I think that yesterday was really good for her self-esteem. People kept walking by and saying how pretty she looked. She says that kids at school are always putting down for how she looks.




This picture I took some of the blossoms off the tree she was sitting under and sprinkled them on her. I thought that it added a nice touch.


I love this picture because it just shows an innocence about her. You can also see all the great details of her dress.

A sea of mixed emotions.

I had my u/s on Wed and my doctor says that Seth is bigger than the national average. I've never been told that my kids were bigger than average.:) So he has schedualed me for a c-section on June 4th unless I go into labor on my own before then.
On the one had it will be good because James will be able to schedule his time off. He will be able to make sure he is there. But on the other hand it really stinks. I will have to go through a major surgery again and he is only going to be able to take the weekend off. So by the time I'm out of the hospital he will be going back on the road and I'll have five kids to take care of on top of trying to recover from surgery. My in-laws are going to stay with the kids while I'm in the hospital, but I'm pretty sure that they will be going home soon after I get home.My mom might be willing to help out or I might be able to get my niece to come stay at my house for a while. But it isn't going to be the same as having James here to help.
He doesn't understand why it has brought me to tears. But it is giving up my dream of being able to have a VBAC. It is the reality that I'll be having yet another c-section. It is the feeling like my body has betrayed me in some way because I've never had to deal with GD or water retention and I am with this pregnancy. It is knowing that this will be the last time that I'll be pregnant.It is feeling a little empty knowing that I'll never get to feel the baby inside again. James doesn't understand that just because I say it makes me sad to know that Seth will be our last means that I have changed my mind with the decision we have already made. It just is sad to think that this is it. I am very grateful for the children that we do have. I know that all of them have been miracles. It is a blessing to have them, when I was told that I would never be able to have kids. But, it is still hard to know that I won't be having any more. I know that with how many problems I've had with all my pregnancies that it wouldn't be a wise choice to have anymore. I also know that for me I'm felling like I'm getting to old to have any more but all of that doesn't change the feelings of loss.
I am so happy that we have been able to have these five beautiful children in our family. I love each of them and their different personalities. I know that the Lord has truly blessed us.
I'm sorry that my Blog isn't as upbeat as other peoples. This is a place that I can express myself with out it being in a journal that will be passed down to my family. Most of my family know that I have a Blog, but have never read it. So I can get all my feelings out with out having it be that they are going to see it.